Cheating at Candyland

I got Candyland because I had fun childhood memories of playing it. Curse my memory! Most children's games are designed so that eventually there will be a winner and the game will (blessedly) stop. Candyland, on the other hand, can go on forever. And ever.

In case it's been a while since you played I will refresh your memory - Players draw cards and then move game pieces from the beginning of the board to the end. There are also some special cards which let the player jump to a specific square on the board. This means you can be one square from winning and then draw a card (the freakin' plum, for example) that takes you back to the beginning. This can happen indefinitely because you have to keep reshuffling.

After an hour my 3-year-old still didn't understand how to play and I didn't think the game would ever end. So, in desperation I did what I'd spent the last hour trying to keep her from accidentally doing: I cheated. Not only that, but I cheated and WON. Muhahahahaha! I so kicked her ass at Candyland. Tomorrow I'm breaking out Monopoly.

Supermom

I'm not a supermom, but I have developed some superpowers since I became a parent:

Super Hearing: No matter where I am in the house, I can hear the binky drop out of my almost-asleep infant's mouth.

Dodge: I can carry my flailing, tantruming 3-year-old to her room without being hit or kicked.

2 Minute Meals: I can make an arguably balanced meal for three people in 2 minutes. Eat your heart out Rachael Ray!


Mind Reading: I know when my toddler has misbehaved. Of course, it helps that she always instructs me "not to see," anything she knows she'll get in trouble for.

Locator: I know where all of the parts of all of the toys are in the entire house at any given moment. I can also find DH's keys, wallet, and shoes at any time. Not to mention sense the location of my OWN keys when DH accidentally takes them to work and refuses to look for them there ("I couldn't possibly have taken your keys.")

Food Source: Actually, I think this is pretty cool.

Jedi Mind Trick: I can still convince my toddler to fall asleep for a nap most days. "This isn't the nap-time you are looking for."

Zombie Mom: I can shape-shift into Zombie mom when I've been up with the baby for too many consecutive nights and denied all naps. Zombie mom can competently care for a toddler and baby while barely moving or speaking or forming a coherent thought. Unfortunately, Zombie mom can't be relied upon to make rational decisions. Letting kids watch 7 hours of Dora the Explorer is fine with Zombie mom. Zombie mom also microwaved her own eyeglasses in a bottle sterilizer after they fell in the toilet.



What superpowers have you discovered since you became a parent?

Top 20 Bottom 10

TOP:
1. my kids 2. peanut butter m&m's 3. a clean house 4. toddler story-time at the library 5. maternity leave 6. survivorman 7. brain age 8. showers 9. brushing teeth 10. jack johnson 11. listening to my sleeping baby breathe 12. watching my 3-year-old dance 13. top gun nostalgia 14. the road 15. what not to wear 16. hospital ice 17. shopping by myself 18. a good latch 19. quiet 20. sleeping

BOTTOM:
1. post-partem body 2. baby pee fountains 3. living an hour from work 4. writer's strike 5. baby molesting toddlers 6. world of warcraft 7. both kids crying at the same time 8. clutter 9. cats on the counter 10. animal cruelty

Eternal Love Story

This is the true story of what happened to my mom yesterday on Valentine's Day.

My dad died suddenly a few years ago at age 54. He was fine the day before, and then died instantly of an aneurism. It really broke my mom's heart she didn't get to say goodbye to him.


A jewelry store in her hometown hosted a contest this year and contestants had to submit a home-made valentine. My mom made one for my dad. It was simple on the outside, but when she made it her heart was full of the goodbyes and I love you's she didn't get to say.

The jewelry store chose my mom as one of their 12 finalists, and told her she needed to come in for the grand prize drawing. The 12 would all put their name in a hat and the winner would be chosen at random.

All of the finalists would win a really nice box of valentine candy, and the big winner would get a diamond. My mom LOVES diamonds and my dad always wanted to get a nice one for her, but with 4 kids (the youngest was in college when he died) he didn't have money for nice diamonds.

To make a long story short, my mom won! So on the holiday when I know she particularly feels his loss, this year she feels like she was able to give my dad her home-made valentine full of love. And she feels that he gave her a box of chocolates and the diamond he'd always promised her for Valentine's Day.



(Kind of fuzzy, but I don't live close enough to go take a good photo for her.)

Things I'd like to ask my newborn

Welcome my dear son!



My new little guy has a scrunchy monkey-face, he bites me when he nurses, he screams bloody-murder whenever we change his diaper and he is the love of my life.

Here are some questions I'd like to ask him:

Why do you smack yourself randomly in the face?

*You love the swaddle, you hate it with the burning intensity of a thousand suns. WHICH IS IT?

*What's with all the hiccups? You are like a tiny drunk old man.

What does the squealing baby elephant noise mean?

Do you really STILL think you'll be able to get milk from my cheek after being disappointed every other single time?

No matter how I prop you, you still end up slumped over in your swing. Is this by choice?

* A couple of these questions/answers brought to you by Linda Lee at ParentDish.com.

Updates

Time for me to make a few updates on previous entries.

Paper shredder - I am such a sucker. The old shredder broke and I got DH a new shredder for Christmas. He loves it. Apparently it can shred a credit card or CD. It's in the basement though, out of site.

Hair - still going grey. I got my haircut last week though. I took my daughter to Cartoon Cuts for the first time, and they had a special to do both our haircuts for $30. Heck yeah. It's actually a pretty decent haircut too, and DD looks adorable. Now I bet you're wondering - Did she speak English? HA! Never. But she spoke spanish, which I speak too.

Maid - I finally caved and hired a service. They clean twice/month for $85 each time which for now I think is reasonable. For the first time in I don't know how long I'm not stressing about how dirty my house is. It still gets cluttered and messy, but I know it'll get picked up every 2 weeks so we can get our money's worth from the service.