I thought I told you not to leave your shoe on the road.

Lately I've been wondering about road shoes. What is their story? Why is there only ever just one? If your shoe fell on the road wouldn't you try to go back for it? I mean, losing one really ruins the whole pair. Maybe the owner didn't notice until it was too late.

But really - how can so many people not notice that one of their shoes is suddenly off their foot, out the window and on the expressway?

Anyone else ever wonder about these? I wonder if any of my shoes are sitting out on a road somewhere, alone and dusty.

National Unpredictable Toddler Day

A friend that I greatly admire watches children in her home and always seems to be doing something fun with them. Today each kid had their own personalized holiday to celebrate Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. Two Fridays ago they made miniature apple pies to celebrate National Pi Day.

Her good example inspired me to do something for Fly a Kite Day which was this week. Today dawned overcast and breezy, so I found our kite and took it outside for a fly. DD was very excited, having never flown a kite before. I got the kite launched and it immediately started doing that insanely fast figure-eight thing that kites do right before they nose-dive into the hood of your car. My daughter apparently thought the toy had morphed into a possessed spawn of Satan. Forget that it was an reversible Elmo-slash-Cookie-Monster kite. It was pure evil and she couldn't get away fast enough, screaming for me to "get it down," the whole time.

I wish I'd had the camera out there to capture her reaction to the kite's first flight. I had no idea she would think it was anything but fun. Relying upon my impressive parenting skills (which I have in ample supply, see previous pinching post), I kept flying the kite and making her watch. I was determined she would enjoy our kite flying bonding experience.

Here's some footage of one of the later kite flights (sorry for the wind sound blowing into the microphone and the wobbly filming. It's tough to fly a demon-spawn kite, stifle hysterical laughter, and hold a camera steady at the same time).



Maybe next year we can just color kites or something.

Shower-time Fun?

After two trips to Philadelphia in a 10 day period, my house and my children were a mess. The house could wait but my toddler hadn't had a bath in over a week and I think my baby had been due for a wash before we even left. I gave the toddler a bath and then took the baby in the shower with me. His boy bits needed some extra attention, and I had to rearrange them a few times to get to all the nooks and crannies. That's when I noticed he was grinning at me. I smiled back, but was disconcerted all the same. I don't remember my daughter doing this. So is it a boy thing? Am I over-thinking this? I'm wary of the pee fountain so diaper changes are VERY quick. But it's gotta get cleaned up some time. I just don't know if I can do it if he's there smiling at me like that, LOL. Most of you guys have boys. Do you have any advice for me on this?

These were a few of my favorite things

Tonight's the first time I've turned my computer on since last Friday and strange things are afoot. A new Google hotbar was installed, my browser history was deleted, but truly tragically: My bookmarks are all gone. GONE. g-o-n-e gone.

I feel lost and adrift without my bookmarks! How will my bills be paid? How will I spy on my co-worker's fertility chart? My links to the most uber vacation spots are gone, and so are all my links to baby shower ideas and baby gear I can't live without. My life will end if I don't have this gear and now I don't remember what it was!! I had a huge collection of links to great preschool curriculum ideas and now my daughter will just be stuck coloring in the Star Wars coloring book that she's afraid of. All of the books I was going to read were there, along with research for all the books I was going to write. There were links to doctors, friends' websites; even password reminders were cleverly encoded.

Just imagine for a minute if your Favorites list was lost forever...

Now go back it up.

What should the caption be?

A pinch to grow an inch

On St. Patrick's Day we were out of town unexpectedly and I realized I hadn't brought anything green for me to wear. That morning I pointed out to my daughter that I wasn't wearing any green and told her she could pinch me. She gave me a soft little pinch that didn't hurt at all, and then went looking for other people not wearing green. It was funny and there were only nice pinches.

Later that morning her brother woke up from his nap and I pointed out that he wasn't wearing any green. My daughter's face lit up and she came over to give him a pinch. I was nursing him at the time so my hands were a little tied up and I couldn't stop the MEANEST PINCH EVER. My poor baby stopped nursing and cried, and I was in shock. After all her nice pinches she totally pinched the heck out of a baby's thigh. I guess maybe she's got some hidden aggression towards him. I couldn't even be mad at her since I basically invited her to do it.

Score another one for me and my fantastic parenting.

I'm such an idiot

Every time I look at my blog now I want peanut butter m&m's. Good job, El.

Dear Peanut Butter M&M's,

You were there when I was pregnant and sick, single-handedly providing sustenance when no other food was tolerated. After I had the baby you didn't forsake me in the long, cold, lonely hours of the morning when I was trapped under the baby that wouldn't sleep anywhere else.

You've always been there for me, but now the time has come to let you go. I'm sure someday we will meet again, maybe by chance in a supermarket check-out line or deep in my daughter's seized trick-or-treat bag. Until then I need only look in the mirror to be reminded of our time together.

Yours truly,

Anyone else have a food they're in an "unhealthy" relationship with? :)

Is this cute or what?

Things I never thought I'd say

I've said so many things as a parent that I never dreamed would come out of my mouth. Here are some of the ones that immediately come to mind:

- We don't talk about our privates at restaurants.
- Showing nipples is only for inside our house.
- Stop kissing my arm!
- Get your feet off your brother.
- If you don't brush your teeth they will turn yellow and black.
- No more licking the shopping cart!!
- No you can't see my poop. (which led to an argument /boggle)
- Don't stand in front of the microwave because it has bad magic.
- Ariel is my favorite princess.
- If you stop crying I will stop yelling at you.
- Panties go INSIDE your pants.


What are some of the things you've said that you never thought you would?

Spring Training

Thursday was such a gorgeous day I decided to do a yard project I've been wanting to do since we moved in. It involves the strip of property that divides my driveway from my neighbor's driveway. I had the kids outside with me. DD was digging in the dirt I was working with and the baby was in his carseat next to the car. A couple of neighbor boys were next door playing baseball. There were just 2 of them, so it was mostly batting practice.

Next thing I knew it, I heard a baseball THUNK right on the roof of my car. I looked over at the boys who were both looking towards me. One of them opened his mouth and I listened for the expected apology. Instead he looked at his friend and said, "Not again."

I wonder how many times my car's been an unwilling participant in their baseball shenanigans. I told them they better start batting in a different direction (they weren't facing the car in the first place) but I don't know if that will help much. Oh, and don't tell my husband this story. He already doesn't like the neighbor kids (they sled on our yard, skateboard on our driveway, and ride bikes across our grass) and this would be the last straw. What do you do about neighbor kids?

Cloth vs. Disposable

When my daughter was a baby I used cloth diapers. I was proud of this, and have to admit it made me feel like a good mom AND a good person. The cloth diapers were ready to go for baby #2 and I was looking forward to using them again to save the world.

Then I found this website and put them away again. My state has had water restrictions since last summer, so it's actually better for the environment for us to use disposables. This is so counterintuitive!

Guess what else? Plastic bags are better than paper bags. More amazingly, disposable cups can be better than the kind you wash and gas cars can be responsible for less CO2 emissions than electric cars.

How can we know for sure what's best for the Earth? It seems like Green living is becoming more and more of a Grey area.

How do you know if you have an ugly baby?

As a parent, can you truly know if your baby is ugly or not? I'll be honest and say I think most new babies are a little on the wrinkly and scrunchy side. Like baby monkeys or miniaturized old men without their teeth.

Whenever I go out with my 7-week-old baby people tell me how beautiful he is. Do they really mean it or are they bound by social conventions to say he's cute? Of course I agree, but I'm spell-bound just watching my son breathe. His gas smiles have made me cry because I think he's so beautiful. Clearly my opinion on this can't be trusted.

At 7 weeks my poor little guy has baby acne like a teenager, a cradle cap mask around his eyes like a little flaky raccoon, his hair is oily the same day I wash it, he lolls with his tongue out, and his earlobes are noticeably hairy.

He's the most gorgeous baby in the world.

For fun, here's a link to Kramer's reaction to an ugly baby on Seinfeld.

Cheating at Candyland

I got Candyland because I had fun childhood memories of playing it. Curse my memory! Most children's games are designed so that eventually there will be a winner and the game will (blessedly) stop. Candyland, on the other hand, can go on forever. And ever.

In case it's been a while since you played I will refresh your memory - Players draw cards and then move game pieces from the beginning of the board to the end. There are also some special cards which let the player jump to a specific square on the board. This means you can be one square from winning and then draw a card (the freakin' plum, for example) that takes you back to the beginning. This can happen indefinitely because you have to keep reshuffling.

After an hour my 3-year-old still didn't understand how to play and I didn't think the game would ever end. So, in desperation I did what I'd spent the last hour trying to keep her from accidentally doing: I cheated. Not only that, but I cheated and WON. Muhahahahaha! I so kicked her ass at Candyland. Tomorrow I'm breaking out Monopoly.

Supermom

I'm not a supermom, but I have developed some superpowers since I became a parent:

Super Hearing: No matter where I am in the house, I can hear the binky drop out of my almost-asleep infant's mouth.

Dodge: I can carry my flailing, tantruming 3-year-old to her room without being hit or kicked.

2 Minute Meals: I can make an arguably balanced meal for three people in 2 minutes. Eat your heart out Rachael Ray!


Mind Reading: I know when my toddler has misbehaved. Of course, it helps that she always instructs me "not to see," anything she knows she'll get in trouble for.

Locator: I know where all of the parts of all of the toys are in the entire house at any given moment. I can also find DH's keys, wallet, and shoes at any time. Not to mention sense the location of my OWN keys when DH accidentally takes them to work and refuses to look for them there ("I couldn't possibly have taken your keys.")

Food Source: Actually, I think this is pretty cool.

Jedi Mind Trick: I can still convince my toddler to fall asleep for a nap most days. "This isn't the nap-time you are looking for."

Zombie Mom: I can shape-shift into Zombie mom when I've been up with the baby for too many consecutive nights and denied all naps. Zombie mom can competently care for a toddler and baby while barely moving or speaking or forming a coherent thought. Unfortunately, Zombie mom can't be relied upon to make rational decisions. Letting kids watch 7 hours of Dora the Explorer is fine with Zombie mom. Zombie mom also microwaved her own eyeglasses in a bottle sterilizer after they fell in the toilet.



What superpowers have you discovered since you became a parent?

Top 20 Bottom 10

TOP:
1. my kids 2. peanut butter m&m's 3. a clean house 4. toddler story-time at the library 5. maternity leave 6. survivorman 7. brain age 8. showers 9. brushing teeth 10. jack johnson 11. listening to my sleeping baby breathe 12. watching my 3-year-old dance 13. top gun nostalgia 14. the road 15. what not to wear 16. hospital ice 17. shopping by myself 18. a good latch 19. quiet 20. sleeping

BOTTOM:
1. post-partem body 2. baby pee fountains 3. living an hour from work 4. writer's strike 5. baby molesting toddlers 6. world of warcraft 7. both kids crying at the same time 8. clutter 9. cats on the counter 10. animal cruelty

Eternal Love Story

This is the true story of what happened to my mom yesterday on Valentine's Day.

My dad died suddenly a few years ago at age 54. He was fine the day before, and then died instantly of an aneurism. It really broke my mom's heart she didn't get to say goodbye to him.


A jewelry store in her hometown hosted a contest this year and contestants had to submit a home-made valentine. My mom made one for my dad. It was simple on the outside, but when she made it her heart was full of the goodbyes and I love you's she didn't get to say.

The jewelry store chose my mom as one of their 12 finalists, and told her she needed to come in for the grand prize drawing. The 12 would all put their name in a hat and the winner would be chosen at random.

All of the finalists would win a really nice box of valentine candy, and the big winner would get a diamond. My mom LOVES diamonds and my dad always wanted to get a nice one for her, but with 4 kids (the youngest was in college when he died) he didn't have money for nice diamonds.

To make a long story short, my mom won! So on the holiday when I know she particularly feels his loss, this year she feels like she was able to give my dad her home-made valentine full of love. And she feels that he gave her a box of chocolates and the diamond he'd always promised her for Valentine's Day.



(Kind of fuzzy, but I don't live close enough to go take a good photo for her.)

Things I'd like to ask my newborn

Welcome my dear son!



My new little guy has a scrunchy monkey-face, he bites me when he nurses, he screams bloody-murder whenever we change his diaper and he is the love of my life.

Here are some questions I'd like to ask him:

Why do you smack yourself randomly in the face?

*You love the swaddle, you hate it with the burning intensity of a thousand suns. WHICH IS IT?

*What's with all the hiccups? You are like a tiny drunk old man.

What does the squealing baby elephant noise mean?

Do you really STILL think you'll be able to get milk from my cheek after being disappointed every other single time?

No matter how I prop you, you still end up slumped over in your swing. Is this by choice?

* A couple of these questions/answers brought to you by Linda Lee at ParentDish.com.

Updates

Time for me to make a few updates on previous entries.

Paper shredder - I am such a sucker. The old shredder broke and I got DH a new shredder for Christmas. He loves it. Apparently it can shred a credit card or CD. It's in the basement though, out of site.

Hair - still going grey. I got my haircut last week though. I took my daughter to Cartoon Cuts for the first time, and they had a special to do both our haircuts for $30. Heck yeah. It's actually a pretty decent haircut too, and DD looks adorable. Now I bet you're wondering - Did she speak English? HA! Never. But she spoke spanish, which I speak too.

Maid - I finally caved and hired a service. They clean twice/month for $85 each time which for now I think is reasonable. For the first time in I don't know how long I'm not stressing about how dirty my house is. It still gets cluttered and messy, but I know it'll get picked up every 2 weeks so we can get our money's worth from the service.

The Christmas Package

Last week Mom told me she'd sent our Christmas package and I should call her when it arrived. She said it would be here in a couple of days. Christmas packages are a Big Deal(tm) to my mom, so I immediately went on the lookout. Lo and behold, the next day there was a notice in my box that we'd gotten a package but I had to go and sign for it. UGH! With our commute there is just no going to the post office on weekdays. I'd have to do it on Saturday. I was annoyed my mom sent something I'd have to sign for, but I figured she just wanted it to get here in time.

So Saturday rolls around and I FORGOT TO GET IT. They close at 1 on Saturdays and I totally spaced it. It still wasn't too late though. I knew I'd have to get that package on Christmas Eve Day Monday, come hell or high water. I still had my city mentality and I figured they wouldn't close early, at least not before 1. How wrong I was! I got there at 12:20 only to find they'd closed at noon. I almost cried. Not because I wanted the presents, but because I knew my mom would be so upset.

The first thing I did was phone my sister to try to make her tell me what was in the package. My plan was to find out and then lie to my mom and say I got the package and we loved everything in it. This was a little lie for the greater good. A necessary lie. My sister let me down though! She refused to say what was in the package. I was soo upset. How could she hold out on me like this??

I ran the rest of my last minute errands and on my way home stopped to get the mail. We don't get home delivery, our box is about 1/2 mile from our house with all the neighbors' boxes. A bunch of folks were already there waiting for the mailman which gave me a brilliant idea: I would ask the mail-lady if I could wait at the post office for her to finish her route and she could get my package.

I had little confidence my plan would work. It had to be against the rules but it was worth a try. When she arrived I told her about my problem and she volunteered to pick up the package and deliver it to my house after her route! I could barely believe it! This would never happen in the city. I got such a warm Christmas spirit feeling and I wished I'd given her more than a bag of Moose Munch this year.

That night I took my daughter out to see Santa riding through the streets on his fire engine (more small-town goodness) and on the way back I stopped at the mailbox. Sure enough, there was my mom's package! All was right with the world.

When I got home my husband said, "The mail lady brought by that package." I froze. What package? I had the one I had been fretting myself crazy over for almost a week. He said, "Your sister-in-law overseas sent us something." It took only moments for me to process. I'd been worrying for days over the wrong package, for the wrong reasons. My mom's package didn't need to be signed for, it was just very late.

Feeling silly about all that worry and stress, I realized I still got a great lesson on Christmas Spirit, and we got to eat chocolates from Belgium on Christmas Day while opening presents from my mom. Not to mention the discovery of my sister's traitorous streak!